Reading Time: 5:45
I do a lot of introspection, which borders on self-condemnation. I’ve been ridiculed for it and I’ve been chastised for it. However, sometimes it just feels right. You can never be so sure of yourself that you omit the introspection process from time to time.
God is good to me in this “character flaw.” He helps me through it and continues to give me a better understanding of why I do the things I do. Sometimes it’s from past damage, sometimes it’s from inexperience, sometimes it’s from personal attacks that I respond poorly to, and sometimes it’s just right. Sometimes I find what I am doing is exactly what God wants me to do. God will bring confirmations into my life to strengthen me and help me to stand strong.
I know just because it feels right does not always mean it is. Hence the introspection. However, I have been amazed, even in the midst of self-doubt and personal attack, how right I am sometimes. It doesn’t take a lot of people agreeing with me to make it feel right. As a matter of fact, I don’t depend on that any longer.
Often it is wrong to seek out those who agree with you only to justify your position. Some people fall into a noticeable “pouting” to draw others into their “take-a-side support system.” People can become hardened in their feeling of “rightness” when others are adding their words to the situation. When I am offended or threatened I usually just get alone with God and work through a period of introspection. God often tells me just to let it go, suffer the wrong, and keep my mouth shut. This instruction has been good for me and helps me grow.
Lately though, the Lord called me to look more closely at the Apostle Paul’s life. We think of him as a successful minister, but even his own words allude to the fact he was often rejected, belittled, and lied about. I was amazed at how many stood against him and doubly amazed at church leaders who would not stand with him. He was the ultimate “hot potato” who no one wanted to affiliate with. Sometimes I even wonder how Timothy felt about him. People he trained and planted even wanted to distance themselves from his conflicts in ministry.
Having endured much of the same in my ministry, I find that it has helped me to no longer depend on the guidance of others. I have come to rely more fully on the guidance the Lord provides, more so now than ever before. Why? I have found that much of the guidance offered to me is not free from the bias of what people want to make me into. Granted, they can see things I am blind to, but they measure me by human weakness, not by God’s call. As a result they continue to consider me a failure, much like they did the Apostle Paul, in his day.
I find it inspiring that Paul did not let others define his life for him—its successes or its failures. He left all that up to God. I find myself in my final years of ministry doing much the same, having been set free from what others think of me.
“Therefore judge nothing before the appointed time;
wait until the Lord comes. He will bring to light what is
hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of the heart.
At that time each will receive their praise from God.”
1st Corinthians 4:5 NIV
Many times I have gone to the Lord in prayer and said, “Lord, it seems I bring out the worst in people.” I think he had enough of that when he told me, “You are only bringing out what’s there.” In spite of this there have been mentors along the way that actually wanted to see me succeed and did not have an agenda mixed in that desire. I know I can count them on one hand, but nevertheless they were essential to my making it in ministry. Like I said, God will bring confirmations along the way.
Just to name one, and by doing so I do not compare myself with him, is Dave Williams. The first time I met him was when he was speaking in an Indiana District meeting. I walked up to him and explained that I was new to the Assemblies of God and his ministry that night helped me greatly. He said, “Follow me.” He took me over to his book table and asked me to hold out my hands. He then proceeded to load me up with his books, asking nothing in return. Over the years, as I have followed his ministry, I found he too experienced much rejection and turmoil in ministry as the Apostle Paul did. He was constantly accused by church members and fellow ministers alike for not fitting into what they expected and needed him to be.
Therefore, introspection will always be a part of who I am. I guess it’s because I need it to deal with my own pride and delusions of grandeur. I recommend it to other ministers as well. They need to wake up and realize the realities of ministry around them. This is just my personal opinion, but most ministers I have met have far too high of an opinion of themselves.
“For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not
think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think
of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with
the faith God has distributed to each of you.”
Romans 12:3 NIV
Pastor Brian Jenkins
Calvary Assemblies of God