Well, this week is going to be something. I didn't really think it through when I decided that Susan and I would take next week and go to the Church Leadership Conference in Lansing, Michigan. What that means is that I'll have to do twice as much this week so I can be gone next week. I'll be doing TWO blogs, TWO radios show, TWO TV shows, TWO weeks of sermon prep, and a full week of Man Week events. My first prayer this morning was, "God, don't let anything happen to my health for the next two weeks."
Tight schedules aren't really the problem, it is the "want to" that I fight with. I have this constant battle with my alarm clock, my treadmill, my diet, and other trivial things throughout the week. Often there is no "want to" so I just make myself do what I'm supposed to do.
This really represents a problem when it come to the things of ministry. You begin to wonder, "Am I burnt out? Have I lost my love for the things of God? Why do I feel like I am just moving from one thing to the next?" For months I've been unwilling to admit this never ending cycle in me of building myself up, then wearing myself out. There are many ups in downs in life, but should it be a constant battle to stay encouraged, to stay focused, and to keep your joy? I'm thinking maybe I'm just overwhelmed at the list of things I have to do this week. Then again, maybe the pressures of this week are revealing an issue in me that I've been unwilling to recognize.
On top of the obligations I have and the ministries I have to do this week, there are all the Man Week events that start today with the Pastor's Patio Picnic. I normally enjoy fellowshipping with the men of our church, but today I'd rather just stay in bed and ignore the world for awhile.
I've never been a top performer. I just thought if I worked harder and stayed at it longer, then it would equal what so many others get done in their spare time. It seemed like a good idea, but it isn't maintainable over the long haul. Yes, I hate limitations and I despise excuses, especially those within myself.
My first thoughts about how to overcome this cycle was to get more sleep. Every good man takes a nap here and there, but I thought if I went to bed earlier and got up later, then I would feel more refreshed and have a better attitude towards the objectives of the day. It hasn't worked, because it is just the enemy's pathway to depression. I don't need more sleep. I just wanted to use it to hide from the things I need to be doing.
Second, I thought about taking a day off. Susan and I started trying to get away on Tuesdays. Our plan was that this was "our day." We did several things at first, but now we feel it too is just another obligation to add to the list each week.
Currently, I'm trying to invest more time working on the parsonage, getting done some of the things Susan and I have planned since we moved in. I've been expanding the landscaping outside and hope to finish it this year, and I've been trying to finish out the garage. However, money is the issue here that makes it a slow process.
I think I have finally resolved that whatever I plan to do, it is just another thing to do. This is the cycle that must be broken. I keep building myself up to take on another project, only to wear myself down with it. I don't want to do less, I want to accomplish more. I don't want to settle into doing only what I have to each week. That is a downward spiral to apathy.
More or less, that is the question. Should I take on more. Should I do less. Continually God is saying, "Come with me." I know this is from the Song of Solomon, but what does it actually mean for me to do?
“Listen! My lover! Look! Here he comes, leaping across the mountains,
bounding over the hills. My lover is like a gazelle or a young stag.
Look! There he stands behind our wall, gazing through the windows, peering through the lattice.
My lover spoke and said to me, “Arise, my darling, my beautiful one, and come with me.
See! The winter is past; the rains are over and gone. Flowers appear on the earth;
the season of singing has come, the cooing of doves is heard in our land.
The fig-tree forms its early fruit; the blossoming vines spread their fragrance.
Arise, come, my darling; my beautiful one, come with me.””
Song of Solomon 2:8-13
Even though I'm in what many would call a slump, I can see in these verses some key words that speak to me. I can see them as direction for the next thing God wants to say and do. Those words are: Listen! Look! Arise! See! And finally, Come with me! These words call to me and in them I feel a great longing, but I don't know how to do them. What they mean seems obvious, but I can't take hold of them from where I am. I've thought about going back up to The Place in Hartford City and praying and fasting for three days. I don't feel that's what will do it, but maybe its a start.
On my journey in the Lord, I guess I've come to a new place which I don't recognize. It's a place where everything seems insignificant to knowing him more. All my desires to accomplish great things give way to just wanting to be with him. I question, did I lose my first love? Has the active of ministry replaced the depth of my walk with the Lord? Did I begin to try to find my joy in laboring for the Lord instead of resting in him? Maybe I have even begun to feel that the success of the ministry is based on what I am able to accomplish instead of in the grace of the Lord. Have I come so far to end up no where? Again I say those familiar words, "Sorry, Lord."
On a recent radio show I shared about the road less traveled. I was meditating on that this morning and got a new vision of what it looks like. As we progress in our walk with the Lord, we see below our feet a well worn path that many before us have trodden. It is obvious the course to take. As you journey you see many side paths, but you know they lead no where. However, you come to a place in your journey where the path becomes obscured. It's like taking a well defined path through the woods that opens out into a large, brightly lit field. Suddenly the path spreads out and you are no longer sure of its course.
It's like I walked out of the woods recently and now may directions and opportunities lay before me. Now I have to make some decisions. Now I have to use my brain. Now it's not just a matter of doing what lies before me. It seems God is asking me to decide, once again, what I really want out of life. Could he be saying to me, "Choose." Choose what? "Listen, look, arise, and come with me." What am I hearing? What am I looking at? If I arise, where are we going? Sorry, Lord, I don't understand. I understand the words, but I don't know how to turn them into actions.
I feel like the Lord and others have invested so much in me. Because of this I have a great sense of obligation to both the Lord and the church to be productive and effective. I want to stay connected, but I feel the Lord calling me to detach. However, this I know, from past experience, this continual struggle I go through is what the Lord is addressing. What he is trying to show me, is the answer to my problem. My lack of strength is actually a lack of joy in him. I would be satisfied to be a humble servant, but there is this call to come up higher. There is a need to recognize more about my calling in the Lord.
At the time in life when I'm wanting to settle in, when I feel overwhelmned, when nothing makes sense anymore, God is saying come a little further. It's like he's trying to coax a kitten out of a little box where it feels secure. It's like an excited father saying to his child, "Are you ready to see something great?" Just a little farther, just a little more, and you'll be there.
“Early in the morning Joshua and all the Israelites set out from Shittim and went to the Jordan,
where they camped before crossing over. After three days the officers went throughout the camp,
giving orders to the people: “When you see the ark of the covenant of the LORD your God,
and the priests, who are Levites, carrying it, you are to move out from your positions and follow it.
Then you will know which way to go, since you have never been this way before.
But keep a distance of about a thousand yards between you and the ark;
do not go near it.” Joshua told the people,
“Consecrate yourselves, for tomorrow the LORD
will do amazing things among you.”
Joshua 3:1-5
I don't know much about what is coming, but I do know it will be amazing. The Lord is somehow preparing me for it. I know our focus on prayer is about this same thing. I hope the excitement will wash away the weariness. and the joy will strengthen the weak. The words in the above verse are very real to me — I have not been this way before. In our District Council where I was ordained this year, the Superintendent spoke about Divine Intervention. He said God was doing things suddenly. Through one amazing event churches are being completely transformed. Pastor Dave Williams spoke about it in his church when, through one amazing healing service, the whole future of Mount Hope was changed. This is what God has shown me about Calvary. Our breakthrough will be sudden and lasting.
“Let us not become weary in doing good,
for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.”
Galatians 6:9
“And as for you, brothers, never tire of doing what is right.”
2 Thessalonians 3:13