Wavering

I guess I’m kind of a doubting Thomas. It’s not that I doubt the Lord, but I always have this underlying battle with self-doubt and the fear of failure. As a result I cannot grasp and hold onto things the Lord shows me without a lot of confirmation. I tend to think that God couldn’t use me for great things. I constantly measure my limited abilities against what others are doing for the Lord and feel completely inadequate. I’m always thinking that I am sneaking in under God’s radar and he really doesn’t realize how incapable I am.

Then recently, the Lord has once again impressed on me the greatness of my calling. He has once again reminded me that self-doubt is really a lack of faith in him. What I am really doing is feeling God is not able to fulfill his purpose through my life because my weakness is greater than his strength. I think if more of us would contemplate on this, we would acknowledge the same thing — our fears of failure actually stem from a lack of faith in God’s ability to guide our lives and use us.

I’m kind of like Gideon when it comes to needing confirmation. If God shows me once, he usually has to show me again and again, his plan for my life. I constantly turn aside from his high calling to things that are simpler and more convenient. I constantly look for a place of self-sufficiency and I limit God from moving fully through my life. Like the Israelites looking into the promised land, I feel like a grasshopper compared to the task. Again, this just shows a reliance on my ability instead of God’s Holy Spirit. I hate to admit it, but here I am again, thinking I am too small for the task. Like Moses I say to the Lord, “You need to reconsider, Lord. Are you sure you picked the right guy?” (my paraphrase) Others would look at what the Lord has called me to and think, why, sure! They don’t see the problem. They even see the inherent abilities in me.

My problem is I fail to see the good things God has built into me because I’m always focused on the bad things that remain. I forsake the mind of Christ and begin reasoning for myself. Having listed Gideon, the Israelites, and Moses, it seems I’m not the only one who has dealt with this form of wavering before.

It’s like bowling, when you think about it too much, you loose the groove. You have to just go with the flow and let your body do the work. There’s more to that statement than you may think. The Bible says in Proverbs 3:5, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart; and lean not unto your own understanding.” This is the foundation of wavering. We try to understand how God can use us in our apparent weakness. Although we must forever remember that we rely totally upon him, we must also remember, he does not rely upon us.

Even though the battle rages in our minds, comparing our abilities to his call, we only need to be obedient to his commands and his power will be released through our lives and ministries. As far as confirmation is concerned, he knows our weaknesses and will give us the assurance we need to remain faithful to his call.

This is what happened when I began to raise the level of ministry at Calvary by inviting some great ministers to come and speak to us. I wanted Calvary to share in the ministry I have been receiving. I felt if it blessed me, it would bless them. Of course you know we can always rely on Pastor Holdeman from the Lighthouse in Richmond to help us. He has a tremendous gift of encouraging believers. However, God began to deal with me about ministers of whom I knew very little, except for the reputation of their ministries.

Since God has called us to a season of prayer, I sought a man proven in his prayer ministry, a ministry that has expanded throughout his church and brought continuous revival. I waxed bold and called Pastor Keith Taylor from Cross Tabernacle in Terre Haute to come and minister one Sunday night. To my amazement, he accepted and was delighted to share with us how prayer revolutionized his ministry and church. The additional benefit of having him in our church and pulpit was, he recognized what God was doing among us and he confirmed in me my calling. It’s one thing to think you know what God is calling you to do, it’s entirely another when someone you barely know sees it in you. As an Executive Presbyter, he spoke prophetic words over me that rang in my spirit, but I had not allowed myself to meditate on before. They seemed too lofty for me, too grand to consider. However, I knew they were from God because he had already given me the phrase that Calvary would be “a church of regional influence.”

Still there is the wavering issue. I need to be fully convinced. To do this I need constant confirmation. Then it dawned on me. Needing constant confirmation and affirmation is not weakness, it is wisdom. It is just smart to build yourself up in the call that God has given you. If you are unsure and keep falling back into your old ways and operating in your own ability your life and ministry will be unstable. James 1:8 teaches us, “A double minded man is unstable in all his ways.” It is actually a spiritual strength to seek confirmation. Building ourselves up in the things of the Lord is wisdom not weakness. I thank God for showing me this. From now on I will allow myself to think about the possibilities inherent in my calling. Instead of thinking about what would happen if I fail, I’m going to start thinking about what would happen if I succeed!

I believe Pastor Taylor has been at it long enough to know when a church is moving in the right direction or not. I was delighted by his confirming words. I realize that God is using him, Bishop Dave Williams, and others to confirm in me the things God wants to do through my life. In that vein, I have invited Pastor Richard Crisco from Rochester First Assembly in Michigan to be with us in November. I now know why I called him. I also need you to know why before he comes. So you too can receive confirmation that you are where God wants you to be, doing what he wants you to do.

Pastor Crisco is from the Brownsville Revival. To him, everything after that revival has seemed anti-climatic. He has struggled with “just” being the Pastor of First Assembly in Rochester ever since God moved him there from Florida. His people have worked hard to help him and they think he is a great Pastor. Looking at his church and ministry, I would have a hard time even believing God could use me so mightily. However, it’s all based on your perspective. I heard Pastor Crisco teaching in the Pace-Setters Church Leadership Conference Susan and I attended in Lansing, Michigan last year with Bishop Dave Williams. He so deeply fed my spirit about fulfilling the call of God on my life. At the conference, I bought a MP3 series from him called The Honor Principle (much like the one we showed at Calvary from John Bevere). Although the messages were outstanding, the point God was trying to show me was that even Pastor Crisco struggled with his calling. I struggle from looking towards the call; he, from looking back at it. It seems no one is content with where they are, if a calling of God is on their lives. We are always in the process of defining it and embracing it.

I am looking forward to what Pastor Crisco is going to minister in our Value of Volunteers meeting on Sunday night, November 3rd, but I’m also sure he will confirm in me even more of what God wants to do in my life and our church. As our congregation and I listen to his message, there will rise from within us confirmation of our call, our destiny, and our vision. I will be able to quit wavering and our church will be able to see in me more and more of God’s call as he completes his work in me. As Romans 14:5 says, “Let every man be fully persuaded in his own mind.” These ministers are coming here to fully persuade us to give it all to God and let him work through us like never before.

Calvary Assemblies of God | 720 N Plum St Union City IN 47390 | Pastor Brian P. Jenkins |  (765) 964-3671 | www.calvaryassembliesofgod.org